Ammu,
I am unable to comprehend what is happening in my life right now. I am totally in a confused state right now. I am trying my level best to keep smiling and ignoring my thoughts and feelings. I sometimes feel like I am faking my smiles and covering up my emotions. I am slowly losing my trust in the God Almighty. I am not clear about my life and thirties feel tired and out of my control. I am slowly starting to hate my job due to the lack of clarity about my career progression paths. I have been always grateful for the opportunities and the growth my job has bought for me. My mind is right now struggling to keep up with the lack of clarity at my workplace not only for me but also for my colleagues. Many of my colleagues are leaving my workplace by getting a counter offer and I feel like the foundations that kept the team together is slowly breaking apart. Ammu, you always know that I hate when life is unclear and ambiguous, there is a lot of mis-happenings and I feel unhappy with some of the struggles my teammates are going through. Some behaviours and attitude from the leadership side towards my hardworking teammates who has been loyal to the company is quite disheartening.
Ammu, last two days were so hard for me, I went through a lot of self-healing. I am trying to take control of my thoughts and actions. I have been hurting a lot of my loved ones recently. I feel better now, still deep inside sometimes I feel lost and lonely. I don’t know what to do about it.
Achu, one of my closest cousins came to Kochi this weekend. She is working as a video presenter a textile collection here at Kochi. She was going through a breakup with a almost 9 year old relationship and I wanted to talk to her to make her feel happier. I told that I will leave office early, collect you and then go to a cafe to talk. It’s been a while since we talked. Ammu, you already know that I love talking with people face to face, those deep deep conversations right. I never get those. I left early from office and went to a cafe. We sat there and had one of the beautiful discussions that I had in my entire life. We discussed about love, friendships, relationships, the struggles she had to go thought and what actually led her to stop her relationship after the fixation of her marriage. She seems to be happy and strong now and I feel she struggles a lot, but she has choosing herself over dis-respect and lack of commitments. She gave me some beautiful perspectives on how to find a good partner at the same time. There is a point in life where you become the one who puts in all the efforts and your friend or partner does not compliment it back. That is the point where you start losing your value. Whenever you feel this happens, slowly back out, because building friendships or relationships should never feel one-sided. Another thing that I learned from her is if you ever feel like you are not sure to take up the commitment, communicate it right away. Never beg for being loved.
Ammu, this stroked me a lot, because I am person who thinks that love should be earned. I sometimes don’t value me enough, I sometimes do not love myself as much as I do others. I put in efforts in others life and still struggle to put in efforts towards my life.
I feel like I am dependant soul, I cannot survive without people around me. I don’t want to make myself happy, I am happy when the people around me are happy. The problem is I beg for being loved, I beg for being chosen. Nikhilechi told me one day to stop doing this, give people their personal space, respect the love they have towards you. Jyothis you are at that age where you will have to take responsibilities and you should take control of your feelings and emotions. Don’t let others determine your mood and thoughts. Nikhilechi, I am trying, I am trying. It might take time for me to change my thought and actions to reflect what you said, but trust me I am trying.
Ammu, sometimes I feel like I am faking my smiles, faking my emotions but being happy is a lot better than overthinking. I am making myself engaged so that I don’t get a chance to overthink every minute detail of my thoughts. I hope I can heal and make myself a better person, Ammu. But, it is time I take control of my life, bring consistency and timetable to my life. Get closer to God, because without him, I am just a living being. Sleep at the right time, eat healthy and at the right time, do some hobbies that enriches my life, be a genuine person and be grateful for the blessings that I have received and the ones that I am yet to receive. Stop expecting love from others, love them just the you feel rather than expecting the same in return. Choose myself, choose to love myself a little bit more. Only if I put in efforts will I ever get results, start putting in efforts to find my soulmate without losing my soul. Jyothis, only if you talk with people will you find the right person, let that sink into your thoughts and actions.
Ammu, pray for me, help me be a better person and to find my soulmate.
Praise be to God!
♥️ Jyothis V James
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