God,
I need some help. I am 30 years old now. I feel like my education was good, my career is going fine although it’s a bit stagnant, my financials are pretty good. I feel like I am a lot blessed and lucky. Still, most of the time, I feel alone and misunderstood. When faced with a hard situation, I often lose control, unable to control my emotions and thoughts. I feel lonely and sad when these thoughts linger in me.
The next chapter of my life is to build a strong family, but the fear of being not enough, not being a good partner is still lingering my thoughts. I do know that these are issues faced by many people. People go through a lot of unknown struggles, I genuinely want to help people and make them happy, but I often struggle myself inside.
I was reflecting on this and understood one thing, I am not scared of my marriage, I am scared of failing at my marriage. Maybe the inherent perfectionism in me is causing this. I care deeply about commitments and I am worried that I won’t live up to it. I do not feel like I am reckless or uncommitted, it might be because I want time to understand the weight of my decisions and needs a lot more clarity on things.
I often lose control of my feelings and emotions. I do know that healthy marriages are build by people who get upset sometimes, misunderstand each other, have emotional reactions and make mistakes. The thing that is foundational to a marriages is not the absence of emotions, it’s the ability to recognise them, take responsibility, repair conflicts and crave mutual growth.
I do worry that if I struggle with loneliness now, what if marriage doesn’t fix it and it might become worse. It is a concern in me but I want to understand that marriage is never a cure to loneliness and insecurities. My mindset should change from I want to get married to building a partnership with someone, while continuing to work on my own emotional well-being. I hope I can do that step by step. A strong marriage is not the absence of struggles, it is the effort of two imperfect people continuing to choose each other through their struggles. God help me build my foundation on this.
I hurt people, people who actually care and love me a lot. I don’t know why I keep doing it often. I act like a child with my emotions often. I often struggle to distinguish between things that are meant to be taken as fun and things that are meant to be taken seriously. I have slowly started to withdraw myself from people who loves and cares about me, because I fear that I will take their emotions for granted and hurt them more. I get argumentative with them, raise my voice and often take it like a debate rather than a healthy conversation. Although, I am hurting myself, I know people will get tired of me and my actions that hurt them along the way. I feel like I am slowly becoming a nuisance or headache for people who are close to me. Being a very observant people, I often feel like people are slowly withdrawing themselves from me. I am in a much lonelier state than before. My call lists have become empty, my chats have been dormant, I am slowly becoming monotonous with my life. I hurt people and take them for granted for the love and care that they bestowed towards me.
If I am such a hard person to be loved, how will someone choose me? My inner conscience is not happy with how I have been with people and I am struggling to fix myself. God help me please to fix myself, I want to try to be a better person each day but I am continuously failing at it.
Thanks be to God.
Lift me up
Hold me down
Keep me close
Safe and soundBurning in a hopeless dream
Hold me when you go to sleep
Keep me in the warmth of your love
When you depart, keep me safe
Safe and sound
(Lift Me Up – Rihanna)
♥️ Joekuttan
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